Reason #135: Girls Named Megan
I really don’t have much elabortion for this one, but I’m pretty sure girls named Megan (not Meghan, Meagan, Megann, Meahgan, Mehgean, Meaghan…. or any variation there of) are evil and secretly demons sent to this Earth to rip out souls.
Reason #134: Burn Out
One of the oldest metaphor’s for relationships, love & lust, is the idea that there is flame. Passion is represented with this idea that there is this burning flame for someone, or something. So the new relationship is pretty much a burning match. That first encounter that sparks the feelings in you, and before you know it the oxygen is sucked away by the flame. You can’t think rationally, you can’t breathe..you are consumed in the fire. For a while there everything in your life is secondary. There is no escaping it, you are trapped. The two of you will constantly want to see you on more-than-normal bases. It’s great and wonderful and magical.
But then you burn out.
You kind of get sick of the person and you want your space. This is why it is best to kind of give yourself a little breathing room in the beginning of the relationship. You want the flame to last for as long as possible. You don’t want to end the honeymoon phase and be over the person in two weeks. I’ve been there. These girls are the ones I forget exist a year or two later. Their names evoke an “oh yeah, I remember her”. Giving each other space and room to breathe at the beginning of the relationship is best. However, if you are destined to burn out and finish, you are only prolonging it. It’s a mixed bag really. You never know how long these things will last, but when they finally do burn out, you get to find your next ignition
Reason #133: Dead Butterflies
I think one of the awesomest feelings in the world is that sensation you used to get when you were in grade school. When the girl you liked grabbed your hand out of nowhere for the first time and you lost all ability to think. You get the funny feeling, the butterflies in the stomach. It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s the pinnacle of happiness and the onset of neurosis. I don’t have fond memories of my first kiss, my first date, or my first time, but I have a fondness for the butterflies. Clouded heads and a nauseous, a good nauseous feeling.
I think as you get older the butterflies are more elusive. It’s harder to get that feeling back. That stuff isn’t new to you anymore. Even more so, you’ve been on good dates before. It’s just a matter of wading through the trenches. Sure you can like a girl, and enjoy everything you do together, but those knock-out kisses and moments where you just can not think, are not always going to happen. Maybe it’s a lack of being able to get out of my head, but when I find a girl that can actually take me out of it, I find it that much more spectacular.
Reason #132: Lipstick Parties
For those not in the know, lipstick parties are allegedly when a bunch of grade schoolers have a party and each girl wears a different color lipstick. And each pre-pubescent boy at the party tries to see how many different shades of the rainbow can be adorned on his 8th grade boner. It sounds like good clean, American fun right?
I know what you are thinking. How on God’s green earth can I sit here and turn the idea of a lipstick party and complain about it. I’ll tell you exactly how: it’s an urban legend. Lipstick parties are less likely to happen then breaking down in the middle of nowhere and encountering a guy with a hook hand. You are more likely to get spooky calls coming from inside the house. And it pisses me off that this bogus story has been spread.
Now, I can completely understand why the rumor has been spread: twelve year old girls these days are way sluttier than when I was twelve. I’m 25, and I’m spouting off a back in my day, but it’s true. Girl’s were not remotely as slutty back in my day. I’m pretty sure if the idea of a lipstick party was floated around it would do wonders for my juvinile sexual promiscuity. By putting the idea into a wide-spread rumor, parents took arm. But kids…kids are impressionable, and easily coherceable. They want to grow up quicker than they should , and they want to do whatever it takes. Peer pressure is a time tested way to get a kid to do something. So, if a kid was unusually crafty, and aware of the stories…he might formulate a grand plan to get one of these into action. Unfortunately, I don’t buy that any grade schooler is that manipulative or clever…and I sure as hell don’t buy that there have been many, if any at all, lipstick parties.
Reason #130: Behind The Counter Allure
I think there is something universally appealing about women in the service industry. Maybe we’re all secret misogynists, or been watching too much Mad Men, but a girl that brings you coffee, beer, or a hot meal. That’s the kind of girl we like. And girls in the service industry know one thing better than to just bring us things. They know how to do it with a smile. They toss their hair and flirt with us. Why? Tips. I pity the foolish customer that is naive enough to think that it’s because they want a bigger tip. That just might be why nabbing a bartender something of an accomplishment.
This happens to make these girls look more attractive then they are. The booze, and the fact that we can only partially see their entire body, doesn’t exactly hurt either. I have fun into many a bartender/waitress/barista out of context, and more importantly, on the other end of the counter…and it’s not always as pretty as a picture as you build in your head.
Reason #129: They Changed Me
I used to be the kind of guy who would hop on a plane impulsively for a girl. I used to be the kind of guy that would drive four hours in a blizzard to fix a fight. I used to be the kind of guy that would spending hours, brian power, and creativity working on a birthday gift. I used to be the kind of guy who would check his own shit aside, and be there for the her. Then something happened.
You see, I used to this pie-eyed hopeless romantic. I feel in love with every girl I met. I feel quick, hard. head-first and entirely in love. And then I had a few relationships that just, plain and simple, kicked my ass. It’s a sucky, shitty thing to be used or cheated on be the victim of mind games and crazy girls…but I forgive them for that. But I am not sure I can entirely forgive them for taking that part of me and destroying it.
For all the things I took from these girls…they still took that from me. I can forgive them for all the things…but my jaded bitterness is the thing I’m most bitter about them giving me (if that makes sense). They’ve made me the grinch…and it stinks. I guess I could consider myself full on unfunny-Jim Carrey grinch, but I couldn’t possibly be that hard on myself. If anything it’s really only two, two and a half, sizes too small…definitely not three.
Digressions aside, it bothers me that I used to be Roy Cohen or Tom Hanson,..but I’ve become something different. I’ve become guarded. I don’t let myself open up as easy as I used to. I don’t trust as quickly as I used to. As you go on every fight or good time gets compared to the times you’ve had before. Not only is a girl competing with the initial version of herself that I started to date, she’s competing about every girl thats coming before her. It’s stupid, and it makes no sense to do this, I know, but we all can’t help but stack all of our relationships, dates, kisses, sexual encounters, or anything against everything thats come before. You can’t appreciate a good date until you’ve gone a string of failures. And if somebody is good…but still isn’t as good as the one you’ve got in your head, or even the one you’re over…it probably isn’t the relationship for you. You want the one that blows the competition away. You want to be kissed and immediately know your screwed.
I can’t help but be this jaded, somewhat cynical, somewhat bitter fella sometimes. Experience is a bitch. Especially because you can’t go back. Honestly, I’m not even sure I totally want to be that guy anymore. There is a good reason the naiveté should be squashed. I’m not a doe-eyed innocent, I am not gonna be as crushed as easily. I suppose there is something to be said for apathy. You have to get your ass kicked enough to be stronger. I suppose theres a mix of the two. Between cynicism and optimism. I am struggling to find it. That is part of why I do this blog. Do I hate girls? Sometmies Can I be whiney and bitter? Yeah. But can I also take it in stride and just plow through til I find the girl who makes it all worth it? Yeah, I believe I can.
Reason #128: When They Get Lame
Today’s post is a serious problem that plagues far too many women. Girls are prone to wide array of annoying attitudes, but there is something to be said for the way they get when they are in new relationship. Suddenly they live and breathe for this person. They immediately jump to the top of the buddy list, are glued to their phones sending flirty texts, and suddenly every conversation, away message, or Facebook status is about that person. And for the rest of us, it’s obnoxious. It’s obnoxious to other couples, and it’s obnoxious to the single people who have to see it. Yeah, we get it you met this guy two weeks ago and you have a love that is more than love. Nobody can possibly compete with your new fella. He’s the shit, he’s better than bread and a thousand orgasms…until two weeks later when you’re crying in your pint of Phish food.
Listen ladies, nobody cares. If you are so tied up in your relationship that you lose all sense of self, then that is just a tragedy. Seriously, the girls who make their guy their life bug the crap out of me. We’ve all seen it, and we all know which women in our life are prone to it. So we wait it out, and remember that when they are single they are pretty awesome people, but the second you hear the phrase “So I met this guy” you know what you are in for. A long, dark winter where they will occasionally peek their heads out of the proverbial love nests/comas. So I urge you to encourage your friend to stop taking a million cutesy pictures to show all their e-friends and e-aquaintences how special and cute and adorable, but most importantly, to stop being lame.
Reason #127: The Space Paradox
I doubt there is a person in any sort of relationship that hasn’t required a certain need of space in and from a relationship. Whether it to be to calm down after a fight, reflection on life, or just a break to slow things down when things are going too fast and pressured, we all need our space. But there is an inherent problem in requesting space in a relationship: you aren’t going to get it.
Why? Because people are insecure, and when they hear that they automatically fear the worst. This may or may not be a completely founded, rational fear, but regardless it will almost always happen. So what happens when you tell somebody you want space? Immediately they will panic and start to push on you further. They want to fix everything then and there. They don’t want to give you the space, because they are afraid you might like it too much. So they push, which only makes you more aloof, so they push harder and harder til it reaches the breaking point. Trite is it sounds, because of this problem, wanting space tends to be the final frontier of a relationship because the inability for it to exist.
Reason #126: The New Relationship Detective
When you start something with a girl it isn’t all roses & puppies. You get to analyze, and overanalyze what every single interaction, conversation, text, IM, email, communication is. You don’t immediately know for sure that they are interested, you could have immediately been friend zoned, or they could just be feeling you out. It’s easy for girls, because if a guy shows you any interest…he’s interested in you, it’s not quite the same with girls. They pity us, they want to be our friends, they want male perspectives on guy’s they are screwing around with, etc, etc.
But when it comes to our contact with women, everything is a mystery. We wonder if they are just being flirty or if they genuinely want us. And let’s face it girls, a lot of you just love the attention you get from men. You flirt with us, you touch us playfully, maybe even a little seductively, and you have no intent what so ever about actually getting with us. Yes, the dreaded cock-tease is all about, and somewhat elusive. She comes in many a shape and form.
So it just flat out blows to have to try and piece together all the interactions. The conversations. The things she said, the things she didn’t say. The kissy emoticon she sent in an instant message, all of it. Of course, when you finally discover that they do like you, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. The monkey is off your shoulder, and gets replaced by the relationship monkey, which is much bigger
Reason #125: Subtext Conversations
Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating
When a relationship is going down the metaphorical drain, one of the first things to go is communication. Sure, when you started seeing each other you would talk for hours on the phone, online, or in bed until the sun comes up. Sleep never seems to be an issue because those five minute conversations suddenly turn into conversations that last until 4am, but feel like a few minutes because you are clicking and sparking… and any other sort of verb that indicates a connection. It doesn’t happen all at once though. Suddenly your nightly phone chats are cut down to the 20-30 minute range where you tell each other about your days and mundane stuff that you aren’t too interested in, but you either listen out of social decency, or you pretend to listen.
And then you start to have those conversations. They are short. Terse. One word replies and an obligatory I love you. You say things to fill the silence. The body language and the subtext of the lack of conversation. Ironically they say more about your relationship then those 4 hour “getting to know each other” phone calls. You already know each other, and you can read your partner by the look on their face, they way they’ll look anywhere but at you, the the pissed off way they’ll bite their lip vs the cute lip bite.
I think the danger in getting to know somebody is that there aren’t even words that need to be said to communicate how the decline and deconstruction are imminent. You both know it, and let’s face it you won’t say it until the inevitable blow up or last straw moment.
5 Albums to Help you Bed an Indie Girl Via A Dinner Date
The dinner date has always been a staple of courting. It’s an easy weapon in a male’s bag of tricks to both impress and romance. And like any great moment in a relationship, it should come with a killer soundtrack. Guys, I know you like to blast out the Kanye or Dave Matthews, but you also have to show her your sensitive side…or at least trick her into believing you have one. Here are few albums to help you wine, dine, and charm a lady, without buying a Taylor Swift album:
Fiest – The Reminder
A staple in the indie scene, this is album like catnip for cute, quirky girls, but, thanks to iPod commercials, has branched into mainstream sub consciousness. Get yourself a bottle of cheap merlot, a few candles, and some impressively easy meal, and you got yourself an evening that any Brooklyn-ite can’t resist.
Various Artists – Vicky Cristina Barcelona (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
The music backdrop to Woody Allen’s 2008 film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is filled with beautiful instrumental Spanish guitar, which would be perfect for a nice summer meal. Mixed with margaritas, Mexican food, and mid-summer sunsets you will have a perfectly sweet romantic night, even if she doesn’t enjoy the neurotic witty dialogue you toss her way. But, then again, why would you want to date a girl like that?
Arcade Fire – Funeral
If your girl has a bit of a harder, rock edge to her, then Arcade Fire is the way to go. Starting mellow, but still rocking out, Funeral builds as it goes on, just like any good relationship. You can bond over stories of dingy city concert venues that don’t even exist any more, the time you saw a Clash cover band, or are the little bands you discovered before they were cool.
She & Him – Volume One
With an old school style to songwriting, poster hipster girl Zooey Deschanel blast onto the music scene with Volume One. This album has everything you could possibly want. It’s jazzy, it’s bluesy, it’s soulful, it’s poppy, and it’s even got a couple of brilliant covers. In addition to Zooey’s old school voice, you also get brilliant guitar work by M. Ward in all his genius
St. Vincent – Marry Me
If Feist was the entrée, this is the album for “dessert”. St. Vincent also features a brilliant female songwriter, Annie Clark (of The Polyphonic Spree). But this is different. St. Vincent’s brilliant first album is the music you imagine your life to be scored to. That is, of course, if you are living an indie movie life. Like any life, and relationship, it’s filled with quiet moments, chaotic instruments strong against heartbreak and lust-filled nights. By the time you get to Apocalypse Song, you will be having your own, “little death”. Bonus, it is followed by the instrumental We Put A Pearl in The Ground, ideal for the moment after.
Reason #124: The Little Bits of You
I’ve made no secret about my love for F. Scott Fitzgerald, and there’s a pocket of quotes that I keep in my arsenal of away messages. I tend to use this one a lot though.
“Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known”
I think there’s something to be said for this, and it really is one of the bases this blog is founded on. We take things from our relationships. Whether it’s the band your ex introduced you to, the little Mexican place you’d discovered, or the reason you never will remotely go to the mid-west again, we take those pieces and build them up to be the best version of ourselves we can be. But these things come at a price, the little bits of ourselves that we give up. It’s a constant balancing, for every piece we get, we lose something. We lose our trust, we lose our compassion, we lose our patience, we loose innocence and naivety. You can’t help but associate things with bitter memories. The song you cant listen to that was playing when you had that one debilitating fight, the time you threw up after bad Mexican and refused to go back there, the distaste for anybody whose name remotely resembles Megan. Whatever it is. once it’s there, it’s never gone…much like herpes.
Sure, you can grow and become a better person through these experiences, but you can’t ever reclaim the things you gave away to the relationship, to her. I think it’s funny that you could really improve somebodies life and the expense of giving up probably too much of yourself. I guess there is something to be said for killing yourself in the line of betterment of others. I guess we just have to try and keep the important parts, while learning and taking something through each date, kiss, heartache, sexual encounter, or unrequited pining.
Reason #123: Duck Lips
Girls are prone to self imposed vanity and the biggest display of this is in the parade of pictures with cutesy poses. And I’m here to tell you that they are dumb. We know you want to tell the world that you are adorable, fashionable, cute, sassy, seductive, and whatever buzz word you want to brand on yourself via the pose you pick for your pic. They take half naked pictures to show that your wild and sex. They take pictures with 7 of their friends crammed cheek to cheek to show that they are popular and party people. They take drunk pictures, they take silly pictures, they take all these pictures to capture every small chunk of their supposed personality.
The worst offender is the kissy face (Duck lips) pictures. It’s as if the girl is trying to say, “See I’m cute, don’t you want to kiss me and see this in person”. Ladies, theres a reason you close your eyes when you kiss. It isn’t an attractive look on anybody. How it became so chic in pop culture I’ll never know, but it needs to be stopped. It never ever makes us want to kiss you, it usually has the opposite effect. It is a huge turn off. But you keep doing it. I dont care if you work the angles, if I see the side of your arm in every picture, if you cram 9 of your friends together cheeks a’pressed together…this is by far the most annoying picture you can take. But you don’t stop there. You usually toss in the sideways peace sign. It’s tired and were all sick of it. Please stop.
Types of Girls to Avoid #11: Co-Workers
Listen, there is a reason every single company has a policy about inter-office relationships. It doesn’t matter if you are working at an office, a restaurant, or Starbucks. Why you might ask? Because it never works. TV lied to you. The odds of an inter-office fling panning out are so astronomically low that I’m telling you right now that you shouldn’t even bother entertaining the thought. Yes, you can/should mentally sexually harass all the coworkers you find attractive, but leave it at that. Never for a second seriously entertain the thought. Best case scenario, you have a fun fling, but 70% of that fun is going to be sneaking around and the fact that you both know it’s something you really shouldn’t be doing, especially if it is something you definitely don’t want to be telling other co-workers.
I know it sounds jaded and cynical, but the outcome is the worst part of it. We’ve all had the awkward ex-run in. With a co-worker that happens on a consistent basis. Heaven forbid either one of you is petty and it will effect your job performance. She might be a hosted who refuses to seat you with tables the tip you well. Before you even think about starting this, I highly suggest you weigh the pros/cons of the situation, because chances are the cons will always win out.
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