Reasons Why I Hate Girls

AtomW — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:15:04 +0000

Now, you may have wondered why I haven’t been writing in this. And heres what it comes to: I don’t really have my heart in this blog anymore.

Yes, like my first girlfriend, I thought it would last forever. And yes, like that girlfriend, there were awkward painful periods and despite my half-hearted efforts, I can’t just keep telling myself that we will work in the long run. Do I still have many tiny little gripes about gals? Sure, but I have to move on. I’m not going to quit blogging, I’m just going to quit blogging on this topic. So, for all those people who have commented/visited/supported me through my first foray into blogging, and my half-assed attempts at other blogs, thank you. I appreciate all the love you have shown for my typo-filled bitching.

So, whats next? I have an idea floating around my head for a new blog endeavor, but I want to let it simmer and swim around my brain for a little while, so I don’t just get sick of it in a month.

Reason #144: What’s In A (Middle) Name

AtomW — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:23:52 +0000

Growing up, the middle name used to be something of a feared thing. It only came out when you were in the deepest of troubles, and the worst of yourself. But something has happened recently, and it appalls me. It has suddenly become in vogue for girls to refer to themselves by their first and middle names. Gone is the surname. Maybe it’s a guise to be more of an “individual”, and denouncing your heritage, but it’s just something silly and dumb that girls have taken a shine to. I may just be bitter because I don’t have a middle name, but I’m pretty sure this is a ridiculous thing to do these days. I’ve talked to a few girls and they have the gall to try and tell me that it is “more representative of who I am”. That, my dears, is a load of shit. Your excessive need to express your independence and individuality has resulted in, what else, but a dumb fad that just makes you one of the crowd. I’m sure all of you are the ones that started it, and the others are just copying you, but that isn’t much of an accomplishment. Getting rid of your last name in Facebook isn’t reinventing the wheel, it’s just getting to the radius.

Reason #143: Over-Exposure

AtomW — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 19:18:15 +0000

Ever since I was a little boy I dreamed of the day a beautiful girl would tell me her deepest darkest secrets. But I’ve learned something over the years. Pretty girls keep things close to their pretty chests. The ugly, fat, obnoxious girls are the ones you have to worry about. These are the kinds of girls who will wear their vaginas and STDs on their sleeve. They will graphically and overtly offer you unprompted tales of their sexual history, positions they hate, gripes, and war stories. Despite the fact that you never ever want to imagine these girls in the least sexual ways, they go out of their way to tell you things that you can’t unscrub from your brain. You can try and repress them, but repressed memories have a way of biting you in the ass in the worst possible moment. You don’t want to be cuddling with a pretty girl and then having a mental flash of the fat chick you used to know talking about how she loves getting her ass bit. Gone are the days of repressed decency, and the days of harassment and mental rape-ing have been long since ushered in.

Reason #142: New Years Eve

AtomW — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:15:25 +0000

New Years Eve is the epitome of over romanticized holiday.

The kiss at midnight.

The champagne.

The resolutions.

The stolen moments and tension and anxiety about what the next year will bring.

I’ll tell you what the new year will bring: More of the same. You’ll break your resolutions, you’ll have some great memories, and some even more heartbreaking ones. You’ll live your life a little older, a little wiser, and you’ll fall into old habits and familiar failings. To me, New Years Eve is just like Cinco de Mayo, your birthday, and Arbor Day…especially Arbor Day- an excuse to get drunk on a Thursday. So enjoy it people: just heed my warning don’t drink and new years eve kiss. You might wind up ringing in the new year with a girl you wouldn’t normally want to…despite how bubbly you feel.

Reason #141: Hindsight

AtomW — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:04:02 +0000

Hindsight may be 20-20, but it’s a bitch. You can say all you want, but there is always the girl you wish you didn’t spend so much time in love with, the girl you wish you could have dated but didn’t, the girl you could have slept with, the girl who you should have asked out. Plain and simple your world is full of regrets, what ifs, and wish I didn’ts. You can fill your neurotic little head, (if you are anything like me), with all types of hypotheticals.

Reason #140: Rebounds

AtomW — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:58:27 +0000

Rebounds serve an important person in life. They are about not letting life get you down, even if you miss the mark. But most importantly getting back on the horse. Of course, in this case the horse refers to women. And, no I am not advocating getting on top of, below, or anywhere near girls that remotely resemble equines. I don’t think rebounds aren’t an important part of any relationship (or more accurately post-relationship), but let’s be honest with ourselves in the fact that the people we rebound with aren’t exactly good decisions. Here are a couple classic rebound scenarios.

The Revenge Fuck

Any time you start dating somebody, there will be certain people of the opposite sex that will just bug the bejesus out of your significant other. Either you are a little too friendly with your female friend, too friendly with her female friend, or she’s irrationally jealous of a coworer or a girl she knows wants to sleep with you. Whatever the case may be, there is going to be the female that if you slept with, your ex would murder you. This extends to any of her friends, family, roommates, coworkers, etc. Basically the revenge fuck isn’t about the girl you are sleeping with, it’s about the fact that it will piss off your ex.

The Sure Thing

Another potential rebound is a female that is significantly slutty, or just somebody you know you can easily get. Why haven’t you gone for these girls in the past you might ask? Because sure things are boring, and we all love a challenge. But, more importantly than that, it is because we really don’t like these girls enough to give them prime relationship consideration. They are the B squad. Understudies that we relegate to special teams. Drunken mistakes, self loathing, and the rebound.

The Stranger

The next girl you meet after the breakup that you designate to be the rebound is automatically going to be a minor player in your life. You aren’t over your ex yet, but you enter into this relationship that is doomed from the start because it becomes about proving lying to yourself that you are strong enough, and over it enough, to move on. Of course you aren’t, so you are setting yourself up for a short lived failure.

Yes, rebounds are great and fun, but they are ultimately more about yourself, and your ex, than the rebound girl. There is a reason that we constantly avoid trying to be the “rebound guy/girl” because you know you are fighting a battle you can’t win. Just because you didn’t hit a goal with the first shot, the rebound doesn’t entirely make up for it.

Reason #139: The Fake Emergency Call

AtomW — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:54:03 +0000

I know this isn’t exactly gender exclusive but I’m pretty sure women started it, and have perfected it throughout history.

Example 1: Eve

Whilst bickering with Adam over her eating of the apple and damning all man kind, God “just happens” to show up and banish her from Eden. C’mon he just decided that was a good time to commence the banishment. They were in cahoots, God was just trying to get her out of that jam.

Example 2: Harriet Tubman

Do you really expect me to believe this was just about slavery. She was using songs, telegraphs, and the like to get the heck out of there. Escaping the south? More like escaping all the lame southern dudes.

Example 3: Jackie O

Oh yeah, I’m saying it. Jackie O was behind the whole thing. Jack Ruby? Lee Harvey Oswald? C’mon conspiracy theorists…aim a little higher. Jackie O was the mastermind behind that one. And why shouldn’t she be? Her husband was a hot shot playboy AND president to boot. He could have Marilyn or any other lady he wanted…does this a good husband make? And we’ve all learned how tough and frowned upon divorce was back in those days (thank you Mad Men). Sure, she’s a national treasure, but part of that is her bravery and spirit in the face of her husband’s death. That was the ultimate excuse for her to get any situation, all she had to do is act choked up, she didn’t even have to say, “Oh I’m sorry, my husband was shot…” Because everybody already knew where they were when this happened and she had all of our sympathies.

Reason #138: The Dumb Things They Say

AtomW — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:03:16 +0000

You can’t help but fall victim to slang in your life. Phrases that come shooting into the vernacular and within five minutes are already passe, we’re constantly looking for the new, fresh way to sound hip & cool. Personally, I’m very jive so these phrases tend to bug the bejesus out of me. Back in the 90s we were treated to many million mini Alicia Silverstones. Years later, girls still refer to Clueless as a “classic”, but you don’t hear “As if” at all anymore.

The latest offender is something that grates at my soul and is worse than nails on a chalkboard to me.

Obvi

Now there are plenty of other offenders but, obvi just annoys me to no end. Apparently in this text,blog, twit-a-minute world we live in we don’t have the time for “ously”. Probs and the like also bug me, but there is something so immature, so childish….and not like high-school childish, not even jr high school childish, I’m talking middle-school childish… about this. It reeks of the obnoxiousness of tween girls and Miley Cyrus. To me obvi is so obno annoy.

Reason #137: Revisionist History

AtomW — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:16:02 +0000

Hindsight is never remotely 20-20, I don’t care what people tell you. Our biases and time are the strongest things working against our memories. I can’t tell you how many times a friend of mine is convinced something happened that never did.

Mis-remembering your ex can go a number of ways. Firstly, much like an a battered wife, you can convince yourself that you two weren’t that bad together. The next heartbreak always makes the ones you’re over pale in comparison. You tend to build your ex back in your mind, you start to wonder, I don’t get why it didn’t work with us. Sure, you had some rough patches but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the psycho you just got rid of. Right? Wrong.

The other way this could go is that due to guilt, remorse, stubborn pride, or any other reason, you are convinced your ex is the devil, or at least on the devil’s payroll. You could have wronged them, and been the horrible party in the relationship, but it doesn’t matter, you shun them. You don’t talk to them. It isn’t fair, or remotely logical, but you convince yourself that that psychopath was everything that was ever wrong in your life during that relationship.

Reason #136: They Praise Sex & The City

AtomW — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:55:17 +0000

I have been forced to watch entirely too many episodes of Sex & The City over the years. Yeah, a relationship is give and take lots of time. You give them twenty two minutes of biting your tongue, they might give you 22 minutes of biting things of yours, or using their tongue.

We’ve all been there guys, and I’m fine shutting up for half an hour watching Kim Cattrall act like a complete whore under the guise of “sexual empowerment”, but when you ladies claim that is such an amazing show. What gets me even more is when they start to tell me that the writing is amazing.

I have watched countless hours of television. Old sitcoms, cartoons, dramas, cable series, procedurals, teen soaps, shitty sitcoms, everything. I am an aspiring television writer, and I can not remotely understand the praise this show gets.

Yes, it was one of the first shows on HBO to really jive with a mass audience. Yes, it’s the reason the cosmo is a popular drink now. Yes, it was a pop culture phenom, but it is something that is almost already dated.

TBS and other syndication have given Sex & The City a second life. I find it funny that a whole new generation is discovering this show…an older generation. The censored down episodes have become a hit with housewives and older ladies. This is a show that was aimed at a generally 20-something audience of women. This was the 90s, and under the guise of feminism, these women were gonna go out and talk about all the crappy men they encounter.

But who in this show is a good character. You’ve got a bitchy workaholic, a whiney WASP, a wishy-washy horse-faced SJP, and Kim Cattrall. Anything Kim Cattrall says on the show is an entirely too forward comment about sex. It lacks subtlty, it lacks nuiance.

Yeah girls, we get it that you’ve all had shitty dates and bad relationships. And you want to put on pretty shoes and dance at the clubs and hang out with your gals…but this show is not the be all/end all, amazing show that speaks to your soul for the rest of your life…it’s a guilty pleasure. It’s escapist fun, not the most gratifying show you’ll ever encounter.